This side of heaven, we will all have grief. Even Christians grieve – although we most certainly have an unshakeable hope! I thought that I might give a few pieces of advice when we are considering how to help others in the early days of grief.
Don’t underestimate the value of prayer. God hears what you say in secret and God blesses wounded and grieving people with the comfort of His Spirit in response to the prayers of His people. God cares far more than we do about His children and will supply grace according to the need. Pray without ceasing for God’s mercy on behalf of the hurting.
Be careful to allow those that are grieving to set the parameters of their grief. What I mean is that it can be incredibly tiring if everyone wants to help at once and the phone keeps ringing and the door knocks keep knocking. If you aren’t someone who would normally be in everyday communication with the family, then pause before you call or show up at the doorstep. Call a person who is normally actively involved in their lives and ask – what can we do to help? If you want to let them know that you are praying – write them a card. Cards are an enormous encouragement. They remind us that we aren’t alone. A promise of Scripture written in a note can wonderfully encourage the heart. Ask someone who does have regular access, like a very close family friend, a pastor or an elder, to drop the card off for you. If you are eager to make a visit, ask someone who is close to ask them if they desire to have visitors. Respect their wishes. What you are showing is that you are more concerned to help them however possible, without making it more tiring for them, and without needing to be acknowledged.
Seek someone who is either a representative of the church family or a good friend of the grieving family to help to organize meals. If everyone drops off food on the first night, that may be too much help. Then again, if no one does, it also might be discouraging. Therefore, call and ask, a close and involved friend or pastor, “Would it be okay, if I dropped off something?” Or, ask “Can I get you to drop things off?” If you are asking the right person, they will be able to help you genuinely help the family.
Guard against the need to be “in the loop.” It may sound strange but all of us do like to be needed and we do like to be involved in times of significance in people’s lives. We need to be careful that our help is really about the people in need of help and not some need in our own hearts for significance. Always remember that if you do care, there will be plenty of opportunity for the weeks and months ahead to show someone that you truly care. Therefore, be content to take the role of a humble servant and avoid the temptation to be a “significant player” in a time of crisis. Be careful that you aren’t a person who thrives on crisis but is absent in the ordinary affairs of life.
Gather people together to pray – apart from those that are hurting. Send a message and tell them that you are praying for them at such and such a time. Let them know that people love them.
Find your peace in God’s sovereignty, goodness, and wisdom. It is the confidence of others in Christ that ministers most to the wounded. Sometimes, people who are grieving find that they spend most of their time ministering to people who they don’t know well, who sit there and say “why, why, why?” God often does use the wounded to declare God’s praises to a watching world, but if you are struggling – at least in the early days – seek the help of Christian friends and leaders who you can count on. Don’t go with the idea of helping but then place emotional demands on those that are in the midst of trials.
If you believe the Holy Spirit is leading you to do something or say something, confirm that with mature Christian believers and leaders. God may indeed be moving you to minister in some particular or unique way. If that is true, then God will also confirm that through those who are aware of the needs of those who are grieving. Remember, we always need the counsel and wisdom of fellow believers.
I am sure that there are other thoughts that could be shared. I know that when our family was going through a time of deep grief that we were so glad for the family of God and for those who loved us, walked with us, and cared for us not just in those first days but for the long period of growth and recovery that followed for the months and years ahead. May God allow all of us to serve God by helping those with grief and do so with pure intentions and faithfulness – to show God’s love in a way that brings honour to God’s name, and His name alone.
